I, too, have moments of uncertainty. Lately, it’s been paralyzing and panic-attack inducing DAYS of uncertainty. I have felt in the past like I knew exactly what I needed to do and when and how for Chi. I could read him and know what the right move was. I felt like he and I had some sort of special bond that allowed me to feel bone deep what course of action to take; what words to say; what was the appropriate response, etc. I only feel that on occasion these days.

This issue with anxiety and school and falling apart left and right after we’ve spent all this time in various therapies and working on schedules and sensory schedules and adding positive reinforcement to the wooden spoon approach and have general talks (the only kind Chi has unless it is about his current game obsession) has really thrown me for a loop. I feel hopeless and helpless and lost and unable to make a decision and stick to it. I feel angry and ready to fight one minute, and then, completely unsure if that is the right thing to do. We started taking him back to his behavioral psychologist who is actually a clinical psychiatrist who Chi adores to try and help him with his anxiety. I just can’t see how traditional “let’s talk about it” therapy is gonna work with a kid who doesn’t like to answer any kind of question or have conversations about anything other than his latest video game obsession (Pokemon and Little Big Planet, currently). These sessions are expensive and are not covered by our expensive insurance. Our OT says that she thinks he is suffering from some acute anxiety and that is totally outside her field of specialization and thinks that Chi is really mostly done being therapied by her as of the end of May. I AM NOT SURE.

Yes, I think that she’s done some really great things with Chi. I really feel like she has helped me get a handle on what I can do to help him. I feel severely panicked about being cut free and allowed to right the sensory bicycle without training wheels all by myself. (Which is a nice metaphor since Chi won’t even get on a bike, training wheels or no).  I like Dr. G a lot, but would spending that crazy high session fee be better spent somewhere else? Would I be damaging Chi even more by tearing him away from these familier places and people to try something new? Should I take him to a chiropractor like I’ve been advised to do to maybe help him deal with some of his sensory issues? Should I take him to this new program that deals solely with kids with sensory issues?

Do I really believe that he got the right diagnoses? I know bone deep that he has SPD. I have known that since he was a tiny, tiny baby and I didn’t even know there was such a thing. I really feel like he has Asperger’s although very high functioning. I am not convinced ADHD is a correct diagnoses (he’s not medicated), but what the hell do I know? All three of these things have similar hallmarks. It could be one or any combination of any of them. I know the SPD, and it is debilitating to Chi, but he isn’t the most severe cast I’ve ever heard of or even close. Does that make him less needy of these therapies? Am I makeing WAY too much of this and making it harder on me and him?  Doubts and panic….

Oh, God. My mind is so jumbled and unsure, I’m having a hard time writing whole sentences without losing the words and inserting whole separate thoughts. My brain resembles a jibbering idiot right now and focus is essentially shot. I have to get it together to help him.

All of the above is generally rhetorical, although if you have advice and I’m the most open person to advice at this point, I will gladly take it under, umm, advisement. Wow, I can’t even finish this post with any kind of coherency. fail.

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