But sometimes, one must anyway.

As a teen, burned out due to babysitting my neighbors’ bratty kids, I never thought I’d have any of my own. As an adult, I thought I’d be a career driven woman; highly independent and intimidating. As a wife and soon to be mother, I thought I would NEVER stay at home with my kids. Things never turn out as one plans, do they?

**Confessional**  I still have a hard time admitting that I’m a stay-at-home mom. I feel like it admits defeat. I feel like I am letting my liberated sisters down by holding down the fort and making dinner after wiping butts all day. I’ve struggled with depression and an unending cycle of not knowing who the hell I am when I look in the mirror. This person that is looking back at me was never supposed to be me. Yet, here I am.

Onward. So after my first was born, I realized that I would not have anyone else raising (or helping to raise) my son. I could go back to school after he started Kindergarten. Right. It’s now 9 years later and I am still at home, but without that blessing? He would have fallen through the cracks. He has taken a lot of effort and a lot of attention. He has needed me here. And here I remain. I have enjoyed my time with my kids even while I had these moments of identity crisis.

When my oldest started school, there were some neighbors of mine who were appalled with the school system and began homeschooling. My main thought with this was OMG WHY?!? There are schools for a reason. THEY know better than I how to educate my kids. I could not see spending my days being an elementary school teacher. I have NEVER had that desire.

Yet, now. Now my brightest star is struggling. I am on a second year IN A ROW where one of my children is being damaged by the school that is supposed to be teaching them and protecting them when I am not around. My fury is great and my initial response is that I will RAIZE this INSTITUTION to the GROUND. (I DO have a meeting with the principal this week) (I’ll let you know how it goes) I want RETRIBUTION! I demand BLOOD!

Then I take deep breaths and realize that the answer is simple although the path will not be. It has been staring me in the face, beckoning, beseeching. I have resolutely looked away; refusing to acknowledge the potential this path may present to the mental well being of my whole family. This option keeps coming up. Keeps rising up in the forefront of my mind and has been suggested to me by various others.

Homeschooling. I don’t know if this is the answer. I don’t know if I will, yet, choose to go this way. But when I think of it, I no longer suffer from extreme bouts of nausea. I, in fact, feel peace. I have been very stressed out about what to do for Chi and now Pynni. Maybe this is the answer?

I shouldn’t HAVE to homeschool my kids. There are perfectly designed institutions for that, but they are failing many kids every day, and my kids will not be among those. So maybe I shouldn’t HAVE to, but I just might anyway.

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